adoption, affected me??

I stopped talking about being adopted when I was little. The only time I would say anything about it was when it was absolutely necessary. My standard reply was "Yes, I was adopted but I was a baby and Ive been with my parents ever since and they are great people." That was it. Nothing else, ever.

My teen years were a mess. My adoptive mom now says it all started with the seventh grade family tree project. I think the feelings and issues were with me all along. The class just brought it all up in my face and again no one talked with me about any of it. I refused to use my adoptive parents lineage as my own. Everyone in class was talking about who they got this or that physical trait from in their families. They talked about their family name, ancestry, coat of arms, birth place etc. I didn't know who I got anything from. I didn't know where my ancestors came from. I didn't even know where I was born. It didn't feel honest to me to use my adoptive parents information. Their people aren't my people. I didn't come from their generations. I just remember being asked so many questions and not having any answers. It tore me up inside. It was an entire semester project so I ended up getting an F for the class. My first F ever. I just kind of tuned out and shut down academically after that experience. I was a straight A student all through grade school so it was a drastic change.

I may go into my teen years more later but I will just try to sum it up for now. I felt I had no self worth. I was needy. I wanted to belong. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel I fit somewhere, anywhere. I felt so flawed. I had so many undealt with feelings that were always just under the surface. So much anger and pain. Of course, all of these traits combined with just regular teen angst does not make a great combo. I acted out. I felt so confused. I ended up just wanting to be numb and stay numb. I accomplished that goal from around age 13 to 18. In that period of time I went to treatment, jail and counseling several times. No one ever addressed relinquishment/adoption as an issue. No one. I was once in a juvenile treatment center where over half of us were adopted and still it was not brought up.

When I was 18 I went to my final treatment center and decided there that I needed to make a change. I had no idea how I was going to change but I was going to try. I started seeing a counselor who did group therapy for mostly abuse survivors. She did deep feeling work: inner child, art therapy, weekend intensives etc. It changed my life. I stopped wanting to be numb.

I still remember when she said she thought adoption might be an issue for me. I told her it couldn't be THAT and hung up on her. I was going through a break up and THAT was it, not ADOPTION. Stupid woman. I called her back a few days later and said "you really think it could be THAT?" "I'm adopted, but I was adopted as a baby and have been with them ever since and they are great people." I can laugh now but at the time I was just dumbfounded. She said she knew an adoptive dad who was also a counselor and she thought he might be able to help me. So I went to see him, the entire time still thinking she was absolutely crazy.

(to be continued)

Lisa