A little background

Its hard to know where to begin when there have been so many different beginnings. Its difficult to start when what you knew about the beginning of your life and the people in it changes so drastically at reunion. Its like everything for me is divided into before reunion and after. Its also not easy because writing and talking about it all brings up the feelings. The feelings that I thought I had dealt with, that still came up once in awhile but were manageable, are now feeling like they are brand new again. Feelings of gut wrenching pain, anger, fear, loneliness, abandonment, rage and loss.

I think I will start with what I knew before reunion and just go from there. I was relinquished at birth in the early seventies. My adoptive parents got me at three days old when the welfare department actually delivered me to their house in a blue station wagon. I have one adoptive sister. She is four years older and she was also adopted. We have different biological families. She has brown hair and wore glasses like my adoptive parents. I have blond hair, blue eyes and no glasses. She always seemed to fit more then I did. Her physical characteristics and personality are just more like them. I have always been the sensitive, feeling, perceptive one and they were not. In fact, I remember wondering if she was really theirs and they just told me she was adopted too in order to make me feel so not alone and bad about it. Ha.

I always knew I was adopted. Although we never really talked about it in my family. When I would bring anything up about it my adoptive mom would cry and my adoptive dad would become angry with me for hurting my mother. I learned not to bring it up. That doesn't mean I didn't think about it. Being relinquished and then adopted has affected everything in my life. I don't remember being able to consciously think about it as a child in much detail. I can now look back and connect things I just couldn't see or grasp then.

Birthdays were especially difficult. I would get sick (stomach ache) every birthday and want to stay in my bedroom during my party. I remember huddling down in my closet crying, trying not to sob too loudly and hoping they wouldnt notice my face and eyes when I went back out to the kitchen. Feeling such intense feelings yet not being able to consciously connect it to anything concrete made me feel crazy. Why was I so sad on my birthday? I had presents, a cake, and family gathered around to celebrate me. It was suppose to be a happy day and here I was the only person in the entire world being a freak and not liking my own birthday. I always made the same initial wish when blowing out the candles. It was that I wanted my mom to find me and come get me. Then immediately I would change it to something less important. I felt like everyone could hear my wish and that made me feel guilty.

Then when I felt guilty I felt bad. Like something was deeply wrong with me. I felt flawed, flawed to such an extent that my own mom didn't keep me or want me. I would look at myself in the mirror and just cry. Not knowing who I looked like, where I came from or what was so wrong with me that she didn't want me. My parents said she must have been very young and just couldn't care for me at the time but they were sure she loved me. Sometimes I would tell myself she must have been too young. She loved me? Maybe my dad took off on her and she had no one? Or maybe her parents made her do it because she was so young? Maybe she was a whore and just didn't care? Even at a young age I tried to take the logical explanations for relinquishment and mush them into the emotional holes and pain I felt. It doesn't work. Not once did anyone ever ask me how I felt about being relinquished or adopted. Not once did anyone offer any empathy for what occurred. I was expected to accept it and not have any feelings or thoughts about it. I also was expected to be happy that it happened and grateful to my parents for taking me in.

My daughter is up from her nap and I think I was done for now anyway. Whew.

Lisa

Softening my heart

I watched a movie with my 10 year old daughter tonight. We were talking about one of the main characters and how we were happy that she finally allowed herself to cry when she felt sad. I realized its been a long time since Ive allowed myself to feel, I mean really feel. That is probably why Ive gained so much weight in the last year. I also had a baby last year, quit smoking (again) and was reabandoned by my biological mother and entire family. So, here I am trying to start talking about and feeling all that I need too. I want a soft heart again. I hate being so angry. I want to feel like Im alive again. I want to enjoy being with myself, my daughers and husband. I want my daughters to grow up and like me. I dont want to be like either of my mothers. I want to have interests again. Interests that I gave up in order to try to fit into this mess of a toxic family that doesnt allow any interests but "the family". I have realized how much of my life since reunion was about trying to belong somewhere I didnt. Ive also come to the conclusion that I gave up who I was in order to try to fit in with them. I lost me. I want to regain who I am so I can share that with my family. My daughters and husband. I have so much to share and get out and I needed to start somewhere.